When I was in my early/mid teens, that is something my dad said to me.

Now before you jump all over me about “airing my family’s dirty laundry”, here’s a couple things:

1) I had a VERY good childhood and adolescents. I came from a very loving home and my parents were together for nearly 50 years before my dad passed away. I NEVER saw them fight or even argue. I’m certain they had disagreements, but if they did, it was NEVER with raised voices! And;

2) I told my dad how much that comment hurt me. He never meant it to hurt, but as a compliment (I’ll explain in a bit) but he was doing his best as he didn’t necessarily come from a loving home – and by today’s standards, from the stories he’s told me, his upbringing might be considered abuse. But he’s ALWAYS been extremely proud of both my brother and me.

Unfortunately, the comment that I should have been born a boy came in my early teens when a girl is impressionable and formulating their opinion of themselves. This told me that I was “too much” and I recognize now that it’s when I started to dull my shine. I also recognize that it’s when I started looking for external validation from boys – and men.

(Thankfully I met my husband when I was 16 otherwise my teenage years may have gone VERY different!)

So what did my dad mean?

• I was outspoken and not afraid to voice my opinion
• I wasn’t afraid to try new things – even if I was rubbish
• I had no problem being in charge – even at a young age
• I was a bigger girl and couldn’t/ wouldn’t be pushed around – though I was bullied, that was mostly verbal attacks
• I gravitated to more masculine “trades” – I preferred woodworking over home economics and excelled in drafting
• No problem challenging powers of authority (teachers)
• Extremely independent – had more male friends than female friends (which continued even into my 30s)

So these, in my dad’s eyes, were masculine traits – which I had more of than “typical” feminine traits like being dainty and quiet.

This has been written for a little while. I really didn’t know how to continue.

Until today…

So in the course I’m taking, I’m on the second week and I finally got to listen to the audio as I’m working from home. I actually listened to it twice – the first time I didn’t really have any “breakthrough” moments. I had some hints, though, so that’s why I listened to it again.

And, boy, did I have a breakthrough moment! It was emotional and I cried. After I came to this realization, I posted in the private FB group:

Though I am still waiting for my intention manifestation, I just finished the Module 2 audio and had the most intense breakthrough of my inner glass ceiling. Though I have several areas in my life I want to work on with the course, the most important one at the moment is my health. It’s been one hell of a year so far (7 months, really) so it’s the area I need the most help with. Today, as I listened to the audio the second time around, I made the most intense realization. When I put an age to the hurt, I knew she was about 12. Right around the time I would get compared to my dad – that I was just like him. I HATED this comparison as my dad was a bigot and a racist and I embraced and loved people’s differences. My dad always had health issues and when the doctors told him “lose weight or die”, he did the bare minimum to get the doctors off his back. I have spent my whole life trying to prove that I am nothing like him yet was blind to the fact that he changed and I became him. And now, at 46, I have had more health issues in the last 7 months than in all my previous years combined. I need to stop being “not my father” and start being “Kaylee”. I did make amends with my father – he held on just long enough for us to make peace before passing away… but I forgot to make peace with myself.

I’m ready to make peace with myself.

Now before you jump on me about some of what I said, let me unpack it for you:

“When I put an age to the hurt, I knew she was about 12. Right around the time I would get compared to my dad – that I was just like him.” – we’re both Geminis, my birthday is the day before his, we’re both artists, both have a ridiculous sweet tooth.

“I HATED this comparison as my dad was a bigot and a racist and I embraced and loved people’s differences.” – he would make derogatory comments about people of color – usually about East Indians and them stinking of curry. He didn’t like people with disabilities and he’d change the channel if they were on TV. However, this changed as he got older – my brother’s wife is Thai and my parents went to Thailand for their wedding (I couldn’t go). My dad embraced their culture, tried their food (even stuff my sister-in-law won’t eat!) and I was blinded by the vision of my 12 year old self.

“My dad always had health issues and when the doctors told him “lose weight or die”, he did the bare minimum to get the doctors off his back.” – when I was in Grade 7, he got diagnosed with diabetes. He was only on pills, though, and he had the opportunity to reverse it but eventually he had to start taking injections. He also had high blood pressure and high cholesterol. However, I later learned that most of his health issues had disappeared and he was off most of his medications. Unfortunately the cancer got him.

“I have spent my whole life trying to prove that I am nothing like him yet was blind to the fact that he changed and I became him.” – he may have been a racist when I was a child, but not when I was an adult. He may have had weight related health issues when I was younger, but not when I was an adult. I am now where he was when I formulated these opinions: overweight with health issues, trying but unsuccessfully losing weight.

“And now, at 46, I have had more health issues in the last 7 months than in all my previous years combined.” – Jan 2022, learned I have a (mild) sleep apnea and told to lose weight; Feb 2022, getting fitted for my oral mouth piece (instead of CPAP machine) and discovering I need to have oral surgery again; March 2022, routine eye exam turned into a visit to the hospital due to a swollen optic nerve which could have been a brain tumor, swelling of the brain, meningitis, or MS; April 2022, in the hospital for a spinal tap and got a diagnosis of IIH and told to lose weight; May 2022 went through a derecho (tornado) and no power for a week, resulting in a lot of stress, eating out every day, and ended up in the hospital again in unbelievable pain (thought I was having a heart attack); June 2022 twisted my ankle, injuring my knee; July 2022 twisted my ankle AGAIN, messing my knee further; Sept 2022 got an ultrasound (which I forgot about needing back in June) and literally got a phone call yesterday from my doctor about the results, have a large gall stone and require surgery to remove it, have a fatty liver and need to go in for blood work tomorrow to ensure proper liver functionality. Needless to say, I’m done with this year!

“I need to stop being “not my father” and start being “Kaylee”. I did make amends with my father – he held on just long enough for us to make peace before passing away… but I forgot to make peace with myself.” – when the cancer got into my dad’s brain, I knew it was only a matter of time. As much as I wanted to talk to him before it got too late, it was too hard. Though he was unconscious when I was talking to him, he passed away 30 minutes later and I discovered that I was the last one to say goodbye. He held on long enough for us to make peace – because as much as I hated and didn’t want to admit it, my dad and I were very similar – too similar.

Unfortunately, I made peace with my dad, but not with myself.

This course will help me on this journey and now that I’ve made this discovery, I look forward to healing and moving forward.