So I sat in on a webinar the other day and have decided to sign up for the subsequent 7 week course  which I’m very excited about. But with the 90 minute webinar, there was one thing she said that really got me thinking was talking about how so much of what we think and believe about ourselves was formulated when we’re children – which I’m aware of as I’ve taken enough psychology type courses over the years. I had to think real hard about my childhood as, when it comes right down to it, I had it really good!

A bit about my childhood:

·         My parents were married for 46 years before my dad passed away in 2016

·         As a child, both my brother and I were enrolled in many type of activities: in Kamloops,  Brownies/Boy Scouts, soccer, gymnastics, swim lessons. I remember going for bike rides as a family. When we moved to Nanaimo when I was 9, Girl Guides, my mom and I would go for walks around the block, I did highland dance, and most sports in school (even though I wasn’t great at them)

·         One or both parents were always at the after school events or dance competitions – whether we wanted them or not (my brother who was a track and field star asked my dad to stop going as you could hear my dad cheering from across the entire field and it would embarrass him) Our parents were VERY proud of our achievements – much to our embarrassment!

·         My parents both worked as long as I can remember – my mom Mon-Fri (only part time when we were young and only after we were old enough to go to school) and starting around 1986 my dad worked graveyard shifts 6 nights a week – but we always did things as a family – he never used “being tired” as an excuse

·         We always ate dinner as a family – I don’t remember a time when we didn’t.

·         I remember getting disciplined as a child such as spanked or the wooden spoon on the palm of the hand or mouth washed out with soap – but it only took once or twice and we’d never do it again – though I think only my brother got his mouth washed out which is funny when you listen to us speak as adults – I definitely have the “potty mouth”

·         My parents never smoked, drank, or did drugs – hell, their spice of choice was salt and pepper! I don’t remember either of them swearing!

·         The house was always neat and tidy. Dishes were done at the end of every meal, laundry done a couple times a week, bedding and towels were done weekly – our bedrooms were our own responsibility and we were granted more freedom for cleanliness, but they couldn’t be a complete disaster.

·         We weren’t allowed hours on end in front of the TV – I remember plenty of scraped knees, mud pies, climbing trees, and playing in the dirt.

·         My favorite part of the year was getting sent to my grandparents farm for a few weeks. I’d help in the fields, feed the chickens, gather eggs, shuck corn, shell peas, feed the barn cats, play in the pond at the back and catch tadpoles and frogs.

·         Christmas was spent at my grandparents farm – there’d often be upwards of 25-30 people (friends and family) at dinner. Us kids would be sitting around the tree waiting for grandpa to get up from his morning nap after his early morning chores… it was torture!

·         I remember making chocolates with my mom and nana – and sometimes another Aunt if they were around – I especially remember this at Easter. Most major holidays we went to my grandparents.

It was a very wholesome upbringing!

So what trauma do I have? Because, come on… who doesn’t have childhood trauma? I’m no exception as I was sexually abused for years by the neighbors son and though I have no doubt this affected me in countless ways, that is for a whole different conversation.

I always hear talk about “learned behavior” around parents inadvertently teaching their children bad behavior as children tend to mimic what they routinely see and hear.

And here’s the thing – I have never remembered my mom even discussing her weight or the foods she eats. I don’t remember her ever dieting and she never had magazines in the house like Cosmopolitan or Vogue or anything like that. Yes, I was teased in elementary school as I was one of the bigger girls, but there was always someone bigger who got it worse than me. There were a couple comments about my weight in comparison to a cousin of mine – we’re a month apart in age and as different as can be! The comment was that she was “light as a feather” and I was “dense like a rock” – which, at 11 or 12 years old, maybe not the best comment to hear!

But, still… how did I get here? How did I get to where I’m at – weighing the most I ever have, out of shape with multiple health issues, feeling frumpy and just really tired of life! Not suicidal or anything, just that feeling like I’m meant for more but unable to pinpoint what I need to do to get to where I want to be.

And I think I know where it came from: it IS learned behavior from my parents – and a lot from my mom. She was completely devoted to us kids growing up – and I love my parents beyond words for the life they gave us… but what did they give us for after we “left the nest”?

·         (my dad) worked a job he hated for over 15 years – but it showed dedication to provide for the family. But it also took a toll on his health due to crappy working hours and general food availability.

·         My dad was overweight/obese for a good portion of his life – and most of mine. When he got the ultimatum from the doctor “lose weight or you’re going to die” he did the bare minimum to get the doctors off his back – of course this is a teenagers clouded perception – and now that I’m essentially in his shoes, I understand it a LOT more!

·         He loved sweets and would often sneak them as sweets were often in the house – my mom was an AMAZING baker! Sneaking sweets is something I have done most of my life.

·         My mom never fussed about her looks. She’d go to the salon to get her hair trimmed but she never colored her hair. She never wore makeup or jewelry. I think the extent of her skincare regime is soap and water. She never wore trendy clothes and she only bought new clothes when she absolutely needed them. She never wore skirts or heels and simply went for optimum comfort.

·         The only exercise my mom did was the walks with my dad in order to help him lose weight, and then walks with a support group after he passed away.

·         My parents never had friends over – in fact, I don’t know if they had friends when we were in Nanaimo! I know – that’s horrible to say! When they moved into the condo, that was the best decision they made as my mom made a couple friends and every week they’d get together – but, unfortunately, I believe 2 of them have since passed and the other has moved. But actual friends, I don’t ever remember getting together with anyone other than the very rare occasion with neighbors.

·         I don’t recall them ever doing anything for themselves physically – like sports. My husband’s mother, even when my husband was quite small, would cycle and swim, ski, hike, tennis. She often participated in work team sport events like softball and “ski to surf” and had a good social life.

·         Dental health was never enforced – I think my parents assumed I was brushing and I don’t remember anything being said about flossing. As a teenager, I remember going days without brushing my teeth during summer holidays – yeah, I know – gross! But maybe I assumed since both my parents had dentures or partials, that’s what is going to happen to me, so why bother? I don’t know but it’s a really hard habit to establish at my age!

And I think this is the trap I’m falling into – the habit of neglect. I always assumed the neglect was due to mental health – and I know that is still true for some of it, but not all of what I’ve been feeling. I haven’t colored my hair in 6 1/2 years and I claimed it was to “embrace aging”. Yes it was nice to save the money and not getting in trouble at work because of the color… but now both of those are less of an issue!

Now, I’m not saying my mom is neglecting her looks – but it’s all that she’s known. Her mother never colored her hair or wore makeup – and I don’t get the impression her sisers did, either. Ive seen pics of my mom when she was younger and she was beautiful! She didn’t need makeup!

And here’s the really important thing: I’m not my mother. And that’s fine! That’s expected! The times when I grew up are very different from when my mom grew up and opportunities were different. Hell – even I’M older than the internet!!!

The webinar I was on the other day, “Unlock Your Feminine Power”, was amazing. It actually voiced every last thing I’ve been feeling. The funny thing is the webinar was actually on the Sunday… and I didn’t attend as I was tired; I didn’t know how long it was going to be and I had to work the next day after a week off… I “couldn’t be bothered”. Well, Monday I received a text that the audio was available but only for 36 hours – so I decided to grab my headphones and put it on while at work. And, like I said, it was amazing! I was actually mad at myself for not doing the original webinar! This is the first time, EVER, that I felt an actual connection to what an instructor was saying! Everything she was saying was an “ah-ha!” moment for me! It felt like every time she gave an example, I was like “OMG, that’s EXACTLY what I’m feeling!

Yes, I’ve learned some amazing stuff with some of the courses I’ve been taking – like the NLP course – but this course? This one touched my soul! I know… how corny. But it’s literally the only way I can think of to describe it!

Here’s one thing I’ve realized: over time you will crave what your soul desires but it’s not like a food craving. A food craving is easy. This goes beyond any means of an identifiable craving. You may go to things that have previously given you satisfaction or pleasure – for me, that’s often food or shopping. Yes, they’re short-term satisfaction, but soon after there’s the disappointment of that feeling creeping back into your life. It was described beautifully in the webinar:

“A caterpillar can’t imagine becoming a butterfly because that’s part of its future, not its past, but it has this yearning that ignites the knowledge of potential that allows it to let go in order to become”

This is me becoming.

This is me giving up control. This is me giving up past stories; past traumas. This is me allowing my Soul to guide me towards my true potential.