So I think in my previous post, I mentioned about having a “song”… and I think I found it.

Scratch that. I KNOW I found it!!!

While I was working from home yesterday, I was listening to my “Valkyrie Training” playlist (yes, I’ve put together a playlist specifically for this) and I like to let my playlist get to the end and see what Spotify recommends. Sometimes it’s a miss, but I was getting some decent hits.

And then MY song came on!

There’s a certain TV series we love – “Trollhunters”. It’s a cartoon, but it’s SO good! Not just for kids! Mostly for kids, but we love it! I even used the big speech that Blinky gives in the first episode (I believe) for my speech at my PLQ. But there’s a couple of epic moments in the show that have some incredible music. Every time those scenes come on, we stop whatever we’re doing just to watch/listen. Every time. And it still gives us goosebumps!

So as I was working away, not really paying attention to the music, I eventually picked up a couple chords and realized it was THAT music! Then I realized there were lyrics. I restarted the song, and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! It was perfect! That music had always evoked a reaction from me, but here? With lyrics? With THESE lyrics? Here even more so!

Fighting and running from turning from who we really are
Cannot suppress so let’s find the one we have shaped so far
Flying too close to the sun as if we’re invincible
Cannot dictate, dominate the earth that we’re living on

We can’t defy the laws, cut the loss that we consummate
Around the world, we grow weaker as we exterminate
The only thing that gives, thing that brings air and life to us
Wake up one day and find what we got is so serious

We are the children of the Sun
We are the children of the Sun

The human greed and our creed is all that we have to share
Knee-deep in tragical, fabrical issues everywhere
Cannot replace the one, chase the one that we used to be
It isn’t how we were, why we’re here, what we’re meant to be

Fighting and running from turning from who we really are
Cannot suppress so let’s find the one we have shaped so far
Flying too close to the sun as if we’re invincible
Cannot dictate our faith on this earth that we’re living on

We are the children of the Sun
The love for everyone
Always on the run
The fire in our eyes
The passion never dies
We’re the chosen ones
The children of the Sun

…….

I played it for my husband when he got home, and even he was like “holy shit!”.

Today was my first workout with the song. I started with it during my warmup and I had such an immediate reaction to it. Like, fighting back the tears reaction. I think it was the first verse.

In my blog post yesterday, I think I can relate to that first line – that I’ve been fighting and running from myself. Even though I know I can’t run forever, I still try – and when I’m too tired to run, I medicate with various dopamine distractions. And “children of the sun” – I’ve always related to the Phoenix – burning and being reborn. I was born in the year of the dragon – a fire sign.

The fire in me has always burned bright – sometimes too bright – and I have often been told (by society) to dim that light. I often get burned for being “too much”… usually for being too outspoken – ESPECIALLY with being in the military. Only a few people in my life have seen my light – and witnessed it slowly dim. And I think that’s what my husband has been trying to do – to stoke my fire and bring that light back… but he can only do so much. I need to WANT to do it. For me. He can be the spark – he can plant the seed – but I need to do the rest.

So when he mentioned the Spartan race the other day, it was the “old” me who initially responded. But that is not me. That is who I became due to circumstance and fear. The person I’ve been hating and running towards. The “path of least resistance”. Comfort.

I don’t WANT comfort. I want strength, and power, and GRIT!

So that’s why I immediately responded. I KNEW I could do it – I have a year. And I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do one! I could feel that fire starting to burn again.

Another thing I told my husband I wanted to do – for myself, by myself – was boxing. We had checked into it before, but didn’t really see anything. However, I started having the itch again, and I looked again… and found one – almost immediately! It had the same vibes as the Spin studio we go to. And all the classes I looked at were taught by women! So I signed up for a class! I was originally going to go on the Tuesday, but there was a heat wave (temps feeling like 47°) and some of my medications make me intolerant to heat, so I opted to cancel and rebook. I knew the class was going to be intense and I wanted the effort of the class to take me out, not the heat intolerance!

The class was brutal! I went early so I could have a run through of the format and hits – my kenpo training (albeit 25 years old) kicked in pretty quickly, but there was definitely a mental aspect of it that I wasn’t expecting! And NOT about pushing through the tiredness, soreness, and exhaustion! It was that each punch had a number and the combos were on a TV. And then there were the dodging/blocks thrown in there. Every now and then, I’d have to stop to think about what punch I was supposed to be doing. It was challenging – in every aspect – but it was also a LOT of fun! Yes, this boxing “club” is more about fitness and fun, and less about getting in the ring to pummel someone – if at all – but I wouldn’t do that, anyhow. This club does focus on technique and form, but I don’t expect anyone in there would be able to hop in the ring for any length of time. And that’s alright! It’s still one HELL of a workout!

Near the end of class (20 min boxing rounds and 25 min strength, I believe), as I was laying face down on the floor, literally trying not to sob, all I could think was “NESTA DIDN’T FUCKING GIVE UP!!!!” and I kept going! I poured every ounce of disappointment, frustration, anger, hope, and determination into that class.

It was a baptism by sweat and I felt reborn.

I was exhausted. I was sweaty in places where I didn’t know I could sweat! I fought through when my lungs begged me to give up. It wasn’t pretty, but I don’t want to be “pretty”. I want to be untouchable. I want that “somethin’, somethin’” back. I want there to be do doubt in anyone’s mind that I won’t tolerate bullshit. I won’t freeze. I won’t run. I will fight.

Watch out! I’m just getting started!