I’m pissed.

Maybe more than I should be.

But I’m pissed.

Hubby will NOT be going on deployment.

Why? Because some “medical personnel” – who isn’t even military – decided his PLQ (the course he HATED and struggled through back in Mar/Apr) would be similar enough to the deployment that there was a strong case of his mental health getting “reinjured”. We’re not even comparing apples to apples! That’s like apples to… I don’t know, lemons? They are not even close. Any military member who has gone through PLQ would be able to tell you that it is a horrible, useless course that is a waste of time, money, and resources. Especially if they’re army (which my husband is). If you hear of a “good” experience, 99% of the time, it’ll be an Air Force PLQ.

So hubby went into the Social Worker to get his mental health cleared. We spoke on it quite a bit – I was there as well. My husband admitted that he struggled. A lot. Hell – when I did PLQ, I did too! I cried every day. I wanted to quit every day. We had 4 people drop out at the end of the first week. We started with 30 people and ended with 19. It is a SHITTY course!!! The Social Worker seemed pleased with the conversation, and “dagged” him green (mentally fit to deploy)

My poor husband has jumped through every single hoop thrown his way – and is STILL jumping through hoops! He’s SUPPOSED to be leaving Friday (June 20th). There is no second option to fill the position! And the position he’d be filling is 1-2 ranks above his current rank!

However, some “medical personnel” who reviewed his file disagreed with the Social Worker’s assessment and changed it from Green to Red – from one end of the spectrum to the other! So, now we’ve been waiting for my husbands Commanding Officer (CO) to decide to grant or deny a medical waiver that my husband submitted 2 days ago – and the waiting SUCKS! And his Sargeant came by (hubby’s) office and let him know that the CO is still looking at it, but “rarely goes against the medical personnel”… and to submit a summer leave plan… “just in case”.

I think the part that pisses me off the most about this whole thing, is that all of these decisions were made without even talking to him first. If the medical personnel or the CO would just sit down and talk to him, they would see that he is more than mentally capable to do this job! Yes, he has struggled in the past, but most of it has been completely circumstantial. He WANTS to do this. He WANTS to go. He wouldn’t have put his name in if he didn’t – and they wouldn’t have fought for him to get the position if his direct Chain of Command didn’t think he could do it! But now, because some medical personnel, who’s never been in the military and has never been through training or deployment, decided to compare apples to lemons, has deemed my husband unable to do the job without a mental health reinjury, and the Operation now has an unfilled position because there was no “Plan B”. AND, anyone they do choose will have to go through the process of dagging – something that took my husband a solid 6-8 weeks to complete – and he should be leaving in a week. Yes, dagging can be done quickly, but most people are behind on many areas, and this particular deployment required additional training.

The whole thing just pisses me off.

More than it should.

More than my husband.

But why?

When my husband joined the military, he was 48 years old – most people are getting ready to retire/release at this age! So since he has such little time in, he had a “bucket list”, and deploying was one of those things. The thing is, he does have a couple things “concerning”… he has a couple of benign tumors in his throat that are being monitored, and we’ve just been notified that there could be something wrong with his prostate. The doctor wasn’t that concerned and wasn’t going to stop the deployment, he was going to send hubby for another test when he returned now that they have a baseline for this particular protein or hormone or whatever marker indicates a potential issue. So IF THERE IS AN ISSUE – for either of those – (AKA cancer), that means he will not be able to deploy.

However, many of my reasons for being upset he’s not going are purely, shall we say, selfish.

There has been no secret that I have been struggling – not hugely, but something more like identity than actual mental health depression. I know I need to work on my physical health, but I also know I need to work on my mental and emotional health – and some of the things I want to do, I want to be alone. I don’t want my husband to be around. I need to find myself without him, his presence, or input. Yes, I value his thoughts and presence more than anyone’s, but I need to do this for me. I need to be comfortable with myself and being in my body and in my mind. And I was looking forward to this opportunity while he fulfilled his own bucket list item!

So what was I hoping to do?

🔹️Have regular ZOOM dates with a GF who is also having a hard time right now and develop that friendship more.

🔹️Clean my room and get it to a place where I can do my yoga and meditation.

🔹️Start playing my Native American flute.

🔹️Regular exercise classes.

🔹️Online courses – some I don’t want an audience about somatic healing, kundalini, voice, and feminine energy.

🔹️I was going to deep dive into learning Spanish – if I had the TV on, it was something I had seen a billion times and I’d have it playing in Spanish with English subtitles.

🔹️More art.

🔹️More reading.

🔹️More communing with nature.

🔹️More connecting with friends.

🔹️More photography.

🔹️More exploring our neighborhoods.

🔹️More cooking.

🔹️More community events – attending or volunteering.

🔹️Develop a solid morning and evening routine.

🔹️Slow mornings at the local gardens on the weekends.

Yes, I can do all / most of these whether he’s here or not, and, in reality, it’s probably healthier if I make these changes with him here, and here’s why.

If he’s gone, and I make all these changes to my life to accommodate the fact that he’s not home, what is going to happen when he IS home? Yes, I could get an unlimited membership to the yoga studio we like, and I could go every single day… but what would happen when he gets home? I’m going to change everything about my life, and then revert when he returns? Hoping some of the new habits stick? But we’re our own worst enablers – our intentions are always there, but when push comes to shove, things never happen how we hope.

No.

It would be better to make these changes while he’s home already because then they’d be reasonable changes. Sustainable. If I can’t do these things while he’s home, then should I really be doing them while he’s away? Sure, add a few things, but to completely overhaul my life? I’d be a whole new person by the time he got home! Maybe that’s what I wanted? Because that’s what I feel he deserves? A better version of myself? I don’t know – but I guess I’ll have to think about that…

And I’ll have to have this conversation with my husband…