I have a confession to make regarding my recent weight loss.

I was achieving it through dangerous habits. I was undereating and over exercising. I knew what I was doing. I knew it was bad. I knew it wasn’t sustainable. And yet, I still did it. Why?

Yes, part of it was wanting to look good for our trip. But another part has a darker aspect to it. For some fucked up reason, I always told myself that I wish I was anorexic to lose as much weight as possible so I could build my body from the foundation up – that it would be “so much easier”. Like, how fucked up is that? I knew it was wrong, and yet I still starved myself and over exercised for 4 months. I’d eat less than 1300 calories a day – regularly under 1000 – and exercise 5-6 days a week.

I told myself “after the Dominican”, when the weight loss wasn’t “crucial” (hint, weight loss is NEVER crucial when it’s done wrong!)… but a week after returning, hubby left for 5 weeks (we’re about halfway through) and I was like “I’m going to look like a completely different person when you get home! I’m going to lose another 15 lbs in these 5 weeks!”. I was going to continue these dangerous habits of undereating and over exercising. I even got an unlimited membership for the yoga/spin studio we go to so I could go every single day, if I felt so inclined. Part of this was to ensure I was occupied as being alone can be challenging for me, so I wanted to make sure I was kept busy.

However, life decided to take control. We’ve been home from the Dominican for… 3.5 weeks or so. I was sick the first week. The second week I was off (the week after daylight savings I ALWAYS take off). The next week was when my MH took a nose-dive and I ended up at the doctors. Over this past weekend, I ended up with food poisoning and was home sick on the Monday. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve been at work – and exercised. And through all this, I’ve eaten like shit. Like total, utter shit. And, guess what? I’ve gained weight!

This is the start of a binge-purge cycle.

And I can’t let that happen. I’m too old to be doing this to my body. I’m too old to not fix my relationship with diet and exercise once and for all.

But it’s scary! When the only way I’ve lost weight is undereating and/or over exercising, it’s really fucking scary! When I’m in perimenopause and what DID work in my 20s no longer works, it’s fucking scary!

But I saw a video the other day on IG. It was Ben Carpenter (whom I love) stitched with Leah Hope and there were 2 lines that struck me like lightning:

“I wanted to change my body more than I wanted to change my life”, and,

“Prioritize gaining health over losing weight”

Both statements accurately describe what I was doing, and what I needed to be doing… and I encourage others to do the latter of the two! But I certainly have not been doing it myself! I wanted to change my body in the way I knew how – under eating and over exercising. It is frustrating, disheartening, and, frankly? Embarrassing.

Why has the last month been so different than the 4 previous? I wasn’t dealing with trauma. I wasn’t dealing with PTSD. I wasn’t dealing will illness. I wasn’t dealing with sleepless nights. I wasn’t dealing with loneliness.

So what has changed?

I’ve been speaking to professionals about the trauma and PTSD I’ve experienced. I’m (slowly) feeling better from being sick. I have medication to sleep better – which is helping me deal with everything! And my husband and I have been having regular “date nights” where we listen to the same play list on Spotify and read. Plus, he seems to be in a place on course that’s a little easier – still not saying much, is still stressful, and not enjoyable, but at least the hell of the first 2 weeks is over. It’s hard when you’re the only person they can really talk to! However, it makes them feel extremely inaccessible to your issues.

(Sorry, hun)

My husband hasn’t been aware of how I had been achieving my weight-loss. He saw me putting in the work. He saw me putting the work in the gym. He saw me weighing my food – which, yes, can be a sign of disordered eating, but not always. He saw me losing weight. And that’s good, right?

No… not the way I was doing it…

(Sorry, hun)

This is not how I envision my life. This is not how I envisioned my body and health.

So, this is my way of dealing with stopping this damaging behavior – both the binging and the purging. This is accountability. This is me coming clean.