So, I’m happy to say, that I’m finally – FINALLY – feeling myself again after contracting covid back on 12 Aug! I started back at the office full time last week (28 Oct) and though I was tired, I made it through without too many difficulties. My main objective was to make it through the week – I’d worry about exercise the next week… so November… and here we are!

Hubby and I went to “Spoga” yesterday morning – 45 minutes spin class, then 45 minutes yoga, so it was good. I did what I could and adjusted my intensity accordingly. I took regular breaks – pedalling, just not doing what the rest of the class was doing – and joined the class when I felt up to it. And today I added a workout to my lunch. A light warmup – spin bike, as my physiotherapist has approved cycling – and a full body weight workout and some rolling at the end. It felt good to be moving again!

I also massively changed up my diet and my eating philosophy. I’ve come to the realization that “intuitive eating” does more harm than good for me. I need structure and routine and IE has too many variables and grey areas. Even with what my dietitian taught me – “W.A.I.T.” What Am I Thinking – that hasn’t helped with binging.

“I really want this bag of candy / chocolate” 

“But why?”

“I don’t know – I just do!”

“Are you stressed?”

“No”

“Are you sad?”

“No. I just want it”

So, yeah – I can’t do that anymore.

I really don’t want to become obsessive / compulsive like I’ve been in the past, but at this point, I think I have to… for, at least, a little bit! I’m only 48 years old, and I have 10 prescription medications. 2 are as I need them (my inhaler and heavy migraine meds), but out of the 8 remaining, there’s only 3 that I’ll probably have to stay on for a good number of years (HRT and migraine prevention meds). That’s 5 – FIVE medications that I’m on that I don’t necessarily need to be on. The one I was taken off last year after I lost some weight being on Saxenda, but after I went off Saxenda, the weight came back with the IIH, so I went back on the one medication. 3 medications are for high blood pressure. And then an antidepressant – which I’m okay staying on or going off. Even then, that’s FOUR medications that I don’t have to be on, but I am because of my weight.

And this is the problem with “body positivity”. I’ve seen “influencers” get shamed and bullied because they actively try to lose weight. Nice thing is, I’m a nobody, so no one is going to care – and those who genuinely care will be happy that I’m losing weight as they can see firsthand the damage it’s doing to me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

So last week, my first week back to the office and leading up to Halloween meant LOTS of candy kicking around the office. I started cleaning up my diet – that meant measuring or weighing everything and ensuring I’m in a caloric deficit. So caloric deficit = being a little hungrier than usual + candy everywhere = temptation everywhere!!! And now that it’s after Halloween, everyone who has left over candy is bringing it into the office so THEY don’t have to eat it – and leaving it at our desk!!! And, yesterday was our bosses birthday – which none of us realized – so we ran out and got her flowers and a cake.

Did I partake? No.

Did I want to? HELL YES!

But, honestly? It wasn’t that difficult to decline! At this point, my health is more important than candy or cake. I’m not even having alcohol at home – I’ll save it for special occasions. The candy and cake thing? That’s HUGE for me! It seems like such a little thing, but, for me, it’s HUGE! In the past around Halloween, I’ve had coworkers with boxes of mini chocolate bars in their desk – the good chocolates! – to give to members who come into the office to see her. Because I knew where they were, I’d help myself… and let’s just say I had to buy her a new box as I almost single handedly ate the whole thing.

I think the clincher for me was the other week, I stepped on the scale. 254 lbs. This is probably the most I’ve weighed in… well, probably ever!

In the past, I’d have used it as awareness and not made any drastic changes. That is, clearly, not working!

So, things will be changing.

I’ve become an ANS Performance Ambassador for supplements

I’m tracking and weighing/measuring my food to ensure I’m in a deficit

I’m changing from IE to IF

I’m exercising EVERY.SINGLE.DAY

I bought a new Fitbit as the existing smart watch I was using became possessed and died

I’m using a tracking program that links to the watch and tracks food, water, and everything else

Here’s the thing… I am not succumbing to “diet culture”. Diet culture makes you believe that smaller = better, thin = healthy, food has morality (good/bad), and is often accompanied with shame. Yes, I’m trying to lose weight, because I need to for my health – not to “fit in” to society. I’ve cut certain foods out of my diet, not because they’re “bad”, but because they trigger me into binge eating. I know that losing weight won’t make me happy, but I know for a fact that it’ll make me healthier and be able to get off some of my meds.

Losing weight and dietary decisions are highly personal – NOONE should have a say in it. If you want to lose weight because you’re going on vacation or getting married, then go for it! If you have to lose weight for your health, then GO FOR IT!!!

Your body, your choice!