But isn’t that what life is about? Change and growth? And I haven’t necessarily given up on my previous areas of focus – the physical training, Reiki, and Life Coaching – however, I’m going back to something that has been a part of my life more than anything.

 My art.

 For 40 years, I’ve wanted to be an artist. Since a child, I wanted to be an artist for Disney. I’m okay if that doesn’t happen, but I’ve always wanted to be an artist. And when I was getting into the Reiki and doing the therapy courses, I even thought about Art Therapy – and this was long before I even had a regular art practice. There’s always been art. Art has been my constant.

 But I also have a lot of baggage to unload with the whole concept of being an artist. The biggest thing is thinking – and believing – that I don’t deserve it. Whether it’s because I don’t believe I’m worthy, or I’m not good enough, I don’t know.

 Actually, I think I do know, but I don’t want to admit it to myself.

 Growing up, I was raised with people like Robert Bateman and Carl Brenders and I was lead to believe that only photo realistic artists deserve the accolade. I tried. I really did. And I had some good pieces. But… the dreaded “but”… whenever I showed my dad, he’d say “it’s good, but…” and there was always a “but”

 Always.

 Now, I do understand why he did it as I confronted him when I was in my mid/late 20s. He knew my aspirations, and he knew the competition was going to be fierce, however, all it did was discourage me. Even though I didn’t give up art, I certainly didn’t make it known – not even to my husband. I’d draw in private, or I had my sketchbook on my lap, and if hubby got too close, I’d shut it so he couldn’t see what I was doing.

 In 2013, I started drawing and painting again to help combat stress, anxiety, and PTSD. I eventually would paint in front of my husband and I started sharing my paintings online… but my dad eventually commented “what’s with all the painting?”, and, once again, I stopped sharing. My art became a source of shame for me.

 Now, before I go any further, I want to reiterate that this is not to bash my dad. My art teacher had just as bad of an impact on me (I took grade 8 art, then dropped it because of her. In grade 11, she asked why I dropped art and I agreed to take it in grade 12 if she agreed to my terms, which she did) but my dad’s words hurt more because, well, he’s my dad. He was very VERY proud of both me and my brother – much to my brother’s chagrin. It’s one of the only times I’ve seen my parents argue – my dad would go to all of my brothers track and field meets, and you could hear my dad cheering on my brother from across the field and it would embarrass him – he was very much an introvert – so he asked (our) dad to stop going to the track meets. Dad didn’t like that – he wanted to go and cheer him on, but my mom forced the fact that he had to respect my brothers wishes.

 I know, tough problem to have, right? A father who is present and involved throughout our lives to the point of embarrassment, lol!

 My dad worked a shitty job for over 15 years – 6 nights a week, every holiday except Xmas day. And yet we ate dinner as a family every.single.night. We went on day trips where my mom would drive so my dad could sleep as he had just come off a graveyard shift. He got into an accident due to weather and wrapped his truck around a telephone pole – the drivers side – and when I saw it, I cried. There’s no way he should have survived, let alone walked away without even a bruise. He fell asleep at the wheel along a very narrow, windy stretch of highway – lake on one side, and trees/cliff face on the other. He drove straight on a corner at one of the only runoffs along that stretch. He’s been so incredibly lucky – and so were we. My parents were married for 47 years before my dad passed away in 2016 from brain cancer. I made my peace with him on his death bed – and he passed 20 minutes later. I was the last one to say their goodbyes and I think he was waiting for me.

 Yes, it’s been easier to share my art without his judgement, but I also feel sad that I let the fear of his judgement stop me from making art for 20+ years. My artistic nature came from him, so all I can do is continue the artistic path and hope he is proud of me.

 So you will see a shift coming to my website where it becomes more art focused as I promote my artwork. I will still be maintaining my Personal Training certification as that is extremely important to me, as well as the Reiki and meditation – my Instagram (art) page is called Meditated Art as I include mindfulness and meditation with all of my paintings. Over the coming months, I will be exploring abstract, mixed media, collage, and more folk style art – the styles that were “frowned upon” while I was growing up, but give me so much more joy and connection while creating. I will be working on collections and I am hoping by this time next year, to have my art in galleries – not just cafes!