Did I get your attention?

So, last week I had a long overdue doctor’s appointment… the dreaded pap.

I hate having a pelvic exam… I know. Who doesn’t? However, having sexual trauma starting from a young age, it’s especially trying not to cancel the appointment. I’ve reacted the same way since routinely getting them as a teenager and adult…. I can just hold in the tears better now.

This time was particularly challenging as the week after daylight savings is HELL for me, but the RN doing my “pre-exam” kept repeating the same questions, so now I’m anxious AND angry! Yes, I KNOW my blood pressure is high, yes, I’m taking medication, but I’ve forgotten the past few days as I’m on holidays, AND I’m NOT wanting to be there, I’m stressed, so my elevated BP is even higher! I monitor it at home, and it’s in the normal range. White coat fever.

Like, FFS!!!!

So, after all that, she takes me to the exam room, instructs me to disrobe, hop on the table, and the doctor will be with me shortly…. 20 minutes later…

(In her defense, I was at my appointment early, so the pre-exam was done early, but I’m certain she was on time)

I’ve only had this particular doctor once before when she prescribed me HRT 5-6 weeks ago, but I quite like her – and my regular doctor as well. So there I am, she does the initial part of exam… then the dreaded part with the speculum. She puts in one…. nope, too short, she gets a longer one, and she’s talking to herself as she twists the speculum in every direction… “Nope, not there”…. repeatedly. She chuckles and comments that she can’t find my cervix.

HOW DO YOU LOSE A CERVIX?????

She then tells me that she’s going to grab a colleague to help her out…. Kiren… and I’m thinking “I hope it’s a woman”…. not even realizing that she’s referring to my actual doctor! I was so stressed, I didn’t even register that she was getting my regular doctor.

They come back, we exchange the usual pleasantries, I joke that “at least I didn’t cancel my appointment”, and “maybe they took out more than just my gall bladder” as she ALSO couldn’t find my cervix! But 3 speculum later, and I’m FINALLY done!

However, the worst part of everything?

My weight.

I know I’ve been struggling with my diet and binge eating at work, and I haven’t been able to get into a solid routine since, what feels like before Xmas! I don’t know what I expected…. like, seriously? There’s only 1 reasonable outcome,  and it’s not in my favor.

Yes, I’m angry. At myself.

Let me make one thing clear, I don’t hate my body, but I know that my fitness is struggling and keeping me from doing what I want to do. I’m in a cycle  – and, unfortunately, it’s not a healthy cycle. I’m angry that I didn’t recognize the cycle and put a stop to it sooner.

However, that’s in the past… granted, only a week in the past, but it’s still in the past.

So what am I going to do now?

• I’m NOT going to drastically change my diet
• I’m NOT going to drastically change my exercise
• I’m going to work on reestablishing my habits at work – I should be able to go to the gym 4 days a week, which will be my weights.
• I’m going to prioritize walking as my “cardio”, especially walking the 2.5 km to where my husband picks me up.
• I will do the Spoga class on Sundays – 1 hour spin, 45 min yoga – and probably the Thursday evening yoga, but that’s more of a meditation. The spin will be my actual cardio.
• I’m considering leaving my wallet at home – or at least the credit/debit cards to prevent any money spending.
• I’m going to focus on drinking more water, protein at breakfast, and a lighter dinner (take half of it for lunch the next day)

I’ve also bought a smart watch, which I got today as I want to start tracking my steps and aim for the 10K. Yes, I know that it’s an arbitrary number with no *actual* science behind it, but it’s about moving more and being aware of that movement.

I heard something recently:

Instead of focusing on taking away things, focus on adding things.

If you think of everything you need to “stop”, chances are you’ll freeze and do nothing. I need to stop hitting the snooze button, stop skipping breakfast, stop going to Starbucks for a coffee and muffin, stop working through my lunch, stop binge watching Netflix, stop eating candy/chips/etc, stop smoking/drinking/drugs, stop being so lazy, stop ordering in dinner, stop doom scrolling, stop staying up late on my phone, stop, stop, stop….

(No, this isn’t me…. or… not all of them…)

I need to start my morning with a healthful breakfast, I need to plan my meals ahead of time, I need to remember to drink more water, I need to step away from my computer every hour, I need to pack a lunch that will sustain me and that I enjoy, I need to go for a walk on my lunch, I need to do something constructive between Netflix episodes, I need to establish a healthy night time routine…

See what I’m trying to say?

Here, let me break it down a little easier…. even if I am outing myself…

If I don’t pack a lunch – or a big enough lunch – and I’m “hungry” (I used “quotes” as it could be emotion/stress related vs actual hunger), chances are, I’m going to go to the concession in our building for less healthful foods. BUT, when I pack a healthful, complete lunch and snacks, I don’t feel the need – nor have the desire – to go get junk food like candy or chips. I haven’t said that I need to STOP eating it, but I’m making a conscious effort to take a big enough lunch that I’m not hungry throughout the day – and the unhealthy snacking stops by default.

We all need to take control of our own lives and health – no one else is going to do the work for you. If you’re struggling with something in your life, you need to examine what’s going on and what needs to change. Yes, change is hard and can be scary, but it’s better than the alternative.

And you deserve to live your best life!