So, the other day, my husband and I celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary – been together 31 years. This is something I am incredibly proud of, as it hasn’t always been easy. It’s been hurt feelings, growing apart – multiple times throughout the relationship – but also working on bringing ourselves closer together again and being stronger for working together towards a common goal. Getting married at 19 definitely has its up sides, but also the down sides. The upside is that I met him so early in my life – especially watching my single friends navigating the dating scene – and we’ve created wonderful memories over the decades. I feel so incredibly lucky to have met him at 16, but that means there was a lot of growing and maturing happening in the first decade of our relationship/marriage. I have changed a lot over the years – partially due to life experiences, and partially from my husband’s influence.

Let me tell you about my husband; he is a see-er versus a talker. He may not have a lot to say, but he is constantly observing. He is an intuitive and an energy healer (whether he wants to admit it or not) and is empathetic. He is deep in thought, and it takes a lot to anger him – and, trust me, he’s had a lot of practice with me over the years! He has a gentle soul and I’ve never heard him say a negative thing about anyone. He has been medically diagnosed as “extremely pleasant” (this is something we joke about after he read his chart from when he got his colonoscopy – the doctor actually put in the diagnosis write-up that he was an “extremely pleasant 50-year-old”). He is an ally to women and feminists, the LGBTQ+ groups, and would stand up to any wrongdoing. He is very “by the book” and always does the right thing even when no one will see, or he’ll get no recognition. People at work (as we work in the same building with the same people, just different departments) constantly comment how lovely he is to deal with – how he’s always in such a good mood, always smiling, and pleasant to deal with. If I tell people that he was in a horrible mood, they never believe me – and I’ve had people tell me that they wished they were more like my husband.

I know, right? Gag me with a spoon, lol!

But in all seriousness, I am so freaking lucky!

One of our “secrets of success” for our marital longevity is communication. Communication, communication, communication! I can’t stress this enough! And I’m not talking about “I’m going to the grocery store”… I’m talking about “you really upset me when you said/did____”

Every time we hit rough patches in our relationship, it was due to a breakdown in communication.

So, how did we fix it?

Friday night dates.

We started this early in our marriage, but I can’t remember which year (3 or 7 comes to mind). We’d turn off the TV, put away the phones (oh, gawd… we didn’t have cell phones back then… geez, I’m old, lol!) and any distractions, put on some music, pour a couple glasses of wine, and talk. And guess what? IT SUCKED!!!! For weeks, possibly months, I dreaded these Friday night “dates” because it was always highly emotional, and I’d always end up in tears.

But do you know what happened? They got easier. Our conversations became less about our hurt and more about our work week. Then it became about our friend who was having relationship issues. Then it was something I looked forward to – then it became something that helped me get through the week. However, for some reason, we stopped. Maybe because we no longer talked about us, which was the whole point of the Friday night dates. Maybe we moved, which is quite likely, so new routines, etc, interrupted those nights.

Recently, hubby has brought up starting them again – probably for the past couple of months, but we never did – until about a month ago. It brought up a bunch of emotions and anxieties – what’s wrong? What did I do? Etc… but nothing was brought up… until last week. And it was a doozie!

I don’t remember a lot of stuff that was said – I was pretty upset and numb. In my defense, my antidepressants do make things that would normally bother me less… bothersome. However, he did say one thing that literally made my eyes widen in realization and understanding. It literally knocked out the one stone holding up the dam and it let the flood gates open. I cried and cried. He held me, I cried. When I quieted, I went to get tissue, as I was snotty and disgusting, my cat came over to see if I was okay and wouldn’t leave me until I told her I was okay and she could go eat – hubby thought she was in my face because it was past their dinner time, so he topped up their food and was blown away that she didn’t leave me. I love our cats.

So, here’s the thing. My husband has been watching me through the years. He knows I’m struggling – badly over the past couple years, and it’s getting worse. He’s wanted to say something, but he knows it’s a touchy subject and he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and make matters worse – despite the fact I have never gotten mad at him for anything he’s said. Upset, yes, but not even upset at him – more upset at myself, for how can I be mad or upset at someone for recognizing the truth?

Sometimes, you get so blind to things that can be so obvious to others – especially when you exist in such close proximity. Not only do we live together (obviously), but we also pretty much work together! We’re in different units, but they’re in the same building, so we commute together, deal with many of the same people, and have many of the same frustrations.

I wish I could remember what it was he said to me, but I think it was something like “You seem to be waiting to feel better in order to do something to make yourself feel better and now you’re in a habit of doing nothing”. This is obviously paraphrased – and I know he said more relevant things – it was a week ago, and I just can’t remember.

For once, I was excited for therapy. I knew we had a plan for the upcoming sessions, but I felt this was too important to slide. As I shared, she was very happy I was comfortable enough to share with her as I didn’t divulge this information last year or past sessions this year – though I don’t think it would have occurred to me previously. Last year, when I was going to her, I knew I had severe anxiety and was surprised to learn I was suffering from moderate/severe depression as well. This year, I recognized I was suffering from depression, but not so much with the anxiety. Looking back, I can recognize that the depression was there for much longer than what I cared to admit.

But that’s okay! My husband and I are communicating again, we’re continuing with the Friday night “dates”, and I have therapy every 2 weeks. My therapist is thrilled at the insight and grace my husband has shown me – and my “homework” is to continue with the Friday night talks and be more open with him regarding my depression, what it means, and what it looks like.

THESE are the conversations you need to have to help keep your relationship strong. The shitty, uncomfortable, messy ones.